


Welcome to Night Vale, the Lost Episodes: The Airport

by futuregoogleceo



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-07 23:04:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1125438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/futuregoogleceo/pseuds/futuregoogleceo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Night Vale gets its own international airport. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to Night Vale, the Lost Episodes: The Airport

An approaching light. It is getting bigger, brighter. _Brighter_. **Bright-er**. You know you should not reach for it, but you must. Welcome to Night Vale.

Great news, listeners! Construction has just been completed on Night Vale’s brand new international airport. The new airport is the seventh largest in the world, and will be anchored by several major airlines. It is made up of four terminals, which contain 147 gates, allowing for an estimated 60 to 65 million passengers a year. Needless to say, this should result in a major boost to our town's tourism, which so far this year has consisted of The Man in the Tan Jacket, and a lost polar bear. You may be wondering why I haven't previously reported on construction of the airport. Well, that's because I wasn't aware that an airport was being built in our fair little desert community. The city council and the Sheriff’s Clandestine Police were also unaware. An urgent press release from the Sheriff's Clandestine Police, however, declares that the police are aware of everything at all times, and any statement to the contrary is illegal. It appears that the airport was a secret construction project organized by the nearby secret military base, and will be partially used for secret training exercises. The construction of the airport was even kept secret from the workers building the airport themselves. Once finished, non-descript construction worker number six was overheard saying “Hey, yous guys, look! We was building a airport. Who would have thunk, eh?” He then turned around to face his co-workers, only to realize that they had all vanished. Puzzled, he mysteriously vanished as well.

Several residents have already started voicing their concerns over the new airport, including Old Woman Josie who is sharing the concerns of her housemates. The angels, who have recently returned from a mysterious war for the souls of all humanity, are very agitated by the appearance of this airport. They are tired, and many of them are wounded. They have seen things no angel should see. They have lost dear friends. The airport is the last thing they need right now. Their primary concern is that the air traffic will cause too much congestion in the sky, reducing their flying lanes. It may also interfere with their favorite pastime: laying down on a cloud and playing the harp. Yes, it's a stereotype and very cliche, but they actually enjoy it. The angels plan to call a press conference in front of Old Woman Josie's house and formally denounce the new airport. It is possible that the leader of the angels, whose name cannot be pronounced by mere mortals, will announce his candidacy for mayor. The press conference will be streamed live on the angel's YouTube channel and they will take question through twitter.

We will be sending our very own intern Gustov over to the site of the new airport, and will have a live, from-the-scene report for you later on in the broadcast.

The Sheriff’s Clandestine Police has been renamed back to the Sheriff’s Secret Police. The change comes as a result of a lengthy legal process. It appears that The Sheriff’s Clandestine Police is the title of an upcoming sci-fi / horror film. Hollywood executives were not too thrilled with the situation and filed a lawsuit against our community. After six failed assassination attempts (it’s hard to assassinate hollywood executives without leaving town limits), the Sheriff’s Clandestine Police relented and completely removed any record of having a name. It was simply referred to as “The They” or “The Them”. This led to a mild increase in chaos and paranoia levels around town, as chaos and paranoia levels are already relatively high. Residents were avoiding the use of the plural pronounces for fear of accidentally calling the police. Exasperated, “The They” was renamed back to the Sheriff’s Secret Police. All is once again good in the world. I’m sorry, an officer is asking me to repeat that a little louder. _All is once again good in the world._

I'm pleased to announce that a new pizzeria has opened up in town. It's called Mandrin Garden. It will finally give us an alternative to Big Ricco's Pizza; (voice becomes monotonous and hollow) not that there is anything wrong with Big Ricco's. I'll never say anything bad about Big Ricco's. I love Big Ricco's. Everyone loves Big Ricco's. (voice goes back to normal) Mandrin Garden's grand opening has been postponed numerous times now on account of mysterious fires. The fires were not investigated due to the Sheriff's Secret Police's legal troubles at the time. The fires would still have not been investigated otherwise either since that is not the job of the Sheriff's Secret Police. Mandrin Garen is offering a limited time, grand opening, two-for-one promotion. You pay for two pizzas, and with any luck, you may actually get one of them. Be on the lookout for Mandrin Garden somewhere near you. They are changing locations hourly to avoid further mysterious fires.

Listeners, I have a problem. Now, I try not to talk about myself during the radio program, but this is important. It’s a … a public service. Yes, I am doing a public service by talking about this. Anywho, my boyfriend Carlos and I had a date a few days ago. When we met up, he looked at my boots and said, “Cecil, may I make an observation?”

“Sure,” I replied. He always compliments me after asking if he could make an observation.

“Those boots are ugly,” Carlos proclaimed.

How could he say that about my boots? My boots! My favorite, pink, fuzzy boots! They are beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Calm down, Cecil. You have keep it together. (Clears throat). Needless to say, we did not go on the date. Now we all know that Carlos is perrrrfect. So that can only mean that I am wrong. Oh, what do I do? Listeners, I want to know what you think, especially those of you who have seen my pink, fuzzy boots. Which one of us is right? I am going to open up the phone lines. If you would like to weigh in, please call 3.

Oh, that was quick. It looks like we actually have a caller on the line. Now, since we have never had a listener call in over the entire history of the station, I'm not exactly sure how the phone system in here works. I'm not sure we even have a phone system. Intern Reuben, can you please answer and put them through? By the way, we are very proud of intern Reuben. He has made it through his first two days at the station without dying, sustaining a debilitating injury, getting sucked into a mysterious wormhole, or getting my lunch order wrong. He really is an exceptional intern. (Garbled noises) Oh, I'm sorry, who’s on the line?

"This is Martha. I'm the faceless woman who has been secretly living in your home."

Hello, Martha. Would you like to tell me what you think about my ... um ... disagreement with *heavy sigh* my Carlos?

"Well, Cecil, I've spent about three weeks in your house, and the only thing worse than those boots is the state of your closet."

(Hangs up on the caller)

Well, Listeners, that was clearly a prank call. I should probably get back to reporting the news.

But first, a word from our sponsors. Guess what time it is! **Guess** what **time** it **is**! It's pizza time! Come and try out all your favorites and all of our specialities at Big Ricco's Pizza. At Big Ricco's, we never threaten guests, nor do we beat them ... anymore. So come on in, relax, and enjoy. Big Ricco's pizza, we're not afraid to burn your house down.

Listeners, it looks like intern Gustov has just arrived at the airport, and we are going to go to him live. Intern Gustov, can you hear me? "Yes, Cecil. I'm here" Tell us, intern Gustov, what do you see? "Well, it's a very big airport, and there is a very strong new airport smell in the air. I am looking at four multi-story buildings surrounding a horseshoe shaped road. There is a tall tower between buildings three and four with lots of antennas and parabolic dishes. It looks like a Sheriff's Secret Police outpost, but I believe that it's the airport's control tower. I tried going inside one of the buildings, but the doors are locked and boarded up. There are many signs in the large glass windows saying things like "DANGER!", "STAY AWAY", and "THE END IS NEAR".

Gustov, have you seen any planes taking off or landing? "No, Cecil. In fact, I haven't seen a single plane anywhere. There are also no passengers, or airport workers. I'm actually the only person here. Hang on, I hear something. Someone is coming. It's a group of people, I think. They are all dressed in black. I ... I can't see their faces. They appear to be heading straight for me. Hey there, guys! Oh God, Cecil, they have baseball bats and knives. Please, I'm just an intern at the radio station. Please. Cecil ... CECIL! Tell my girlfriend. Cecil, tell my girlfriend I love..."

(Line goes dead)

Intern Gustov are you still there? What should I tell your girlfriend? Oh, how I hate these cell phone connection. I guess it wasn't that important or he would have called back. Just in case, though, the radio station's on-air team and station management send their condolences to intern Gustov's family and his dog, or whatever it was he asked me.

I'm sorry, listeners. I was little distracted during that last segment. You see, I just got an email from Carlos. He has irrefutable scientific evidence that my boots are, in fact, ugly. According to these numbers, they are very ugly. They are the ugliest thing I own. It's demonstrated in several very colorful graphs. I always knew that he couldn’t be wrong. I guess I owe Carlos an apology. Wait, there is more to this email. He knows that I'm sorry, and suggests that we make use of the new airport and take a vacation. Oh, how fantastic! He has already filed all the necessary paperwork for leaving Night Vale, and we should expect approval within 4 to 6 months.

Exciting news, listeners! The town has been swept up in football fever! The Scorpions, ladies and gentlemen, are on a two game winning streak. For those of you who are not avid sports fans, that’s two games in a row! The last time the team had accomplished this feat was ten years before the founding of our community. Most of the credit goes to the coach and the new quarterback, his son. The coach's son has replaced former Russian-speaking quarterback Michael Sandero, who is currently touring colleges in Siberia. It is curious that there is no record of the coach's son attending the high school, nor is there a birth certificate, social security number, or tracker chip implant record. Also, whenever the coach's son is on the field playing quarterback, the coach is nowhere to be found. In fact, the two have never been seen together. But, none of this matters because we are on a two game winning streak!

I have some unfortunate news. It appears that our town's paper of record, the Night Vale Daily Journal, is going out of business. While the paper has made significant strides in bridging it's budget deficit by signing new advertisers and reducing staff hours, it had incurred some unusual and large expenses. Editor Leann Hart could not be reached for comment as she is currently on a two month long, all expenses paid, trip through Europe. She did, however, leave a note that said that her trip has nothing to do with any upcoming bankruptcy of the Daily Journal, and that she deserves the 11 months of vacation every year for all the hard work she does from 12 to 3, 4 days a week on that 12th month. Our benevolent savior, StrexCorp, is considering buying the newspaper as they already control all other forms of media in town.

Listeners, I just received an update about the airport. It appears that I was previously misinformed. The newly constructed airport will in fact serve as an abandoned airport. Our community is in desperate need for one of those. There never have been nor ever will be any flights to or from the airport. The buildings will serve as popular hangout spot for Night Vale's teenagers, the center for illegal drug trade and distribution, and a training facility for the Sheriff's Secret Police. Any residents who planned to use the airport for travel as asked to report to the boy scouts' booth next to city hall for their mandatory signups.

We have come to the end of yet another broadcast. I leave you with these words: grasshopper, Higgs boson, charity, armchair, colorful, predictor, answer, yesterday, partial, filter, cash. Piece those together and you realize that sleeps eludes me. The more I chase it, the harder it is to grasp. It is a handful sand that is lost between my very fingers, all 8 of them. Until next time, good night, Night Vale. Good night.


End file.
